Kate:

I read this article in the New York Times today.  It talks about the prejudice that obese and overweight people face in today’s society. Ridiculing fat people has become accepted discrimination.

The article reminded me of an experience I had in 5th grade.  The school nurse called a total of about five students from the 5th grade to take part in a discussion about nutrition in her office.  So, all of the fat students were called out of their classrooms, me included, to talk about portion control and healthy eating.  The parents were unaware of any of this activity.  Now, I have no problem learning about nutrition, but don’t you think those lessons could benefit every student?

Kate:

My philosophy about complaining is that you can’t complain about something if it’s something you can try to change but you’re not doing anything.  I’m not sure if I’m being a hypocrite here, because I do have my moments of trying.

About 10 days before my period starts, I go nuts!  I binge like crazy.  I don’t/can’t control it.  In the past 24-hours, here’s what I’ve eaten (because I didn’t stop myself from going to the grocery store to stock up on junk food):
11 oatmeal creme pies
3 chocolate eclairs
1 small block of cheddar cheese
8 wedges of light Laughing Cow cheese
2 sleeves Club crackers
1 pint chocolate hazelnut gelato
2 pieces strawberry shortcake

I’m pretty sure I’m insane.  I need to get control of myself.  I’m going to the gym after I finish this post, and after that I’m going to try to get my healthy eating back on line.  The thing is, this bingeing is just a phase that I get over once my hormones are on track.  However, this throws off my weight loss for the entire month!  Perhaps I need to go back to therapy.  I’ll try anything at this point.

Kate:

I’m having a serious problem.  I’m going to be honest here: I weighed myself this morning and it said 317 lbs.  That’s about 18 lbs. higher than my lowest weight this time around.  I want to cry.

Something is so wrong with me, and I don’t know how to fix it.  Every day I start out with healthy food choices and an exercise plan.  By the end of the day I’ve completely blown it all.  Even if I stick to my gym plans, I feel ravenous after and don’t stop myself from eating whatever I want.  That is my chief problem.

I don’t stop myself.

Where did I lose my restraint over the last few months???  I’m tempted to blame it on some medication I started taking in October, but part of me thinks I’m just searching for an excuse.  Deep down I’m sure it’s just my own fault.  I’m being lazy; I’m losing sight of my goals; I’m forgetting my motivation.

I make good choices.  I don’t put anything in my kitchen that isn’t healthy (in moderation). I’ve been getting out of the house more.  I’ve started going back to the gym (though not as frequently as I should). But,

I don’t stop myself.

So, here’s where I take a stand.  One day at a time so I don’t get overwhelmed.

Tomorrow I will stick to 1400-1600 calories.  I will properly keep track of all the foods I eat.  I will go to the gym and do the elliptical for 45 minutes and do weights on my arms.  If I’m feeling good, I’ll hop on the rowing machine or stair stepper.  I will call and make an appointment with Kirsten at CLM.

I will stop myself.

Kate:

I watched this movie last night.  It talks about the government’s and food companies’ complicity in America’s obesity problem.  I’ve long felt it’s hard to affect real change in the government when corporations can throw their money into keeping the status quo.  I guess I didn’t really think about what that meant for keeping America at a healthy weight.

This documentary focuses on the Bush administration since Obama wasn’t elected yet, but I truly feel that no one really puts emphasis on America’s obesity problem no matter how much lip service they give.  When there are global wars to fight, why should we look at what’s happening at home?  Maybe we need to be more selfish with our resources and focus our fight on what’s going on here.

Going off the soapbox now.  Just watch this documentary and you’ll see how marketing and government attitudes has helped America become fat.  That makes the fight that much harder but so much more rewarding in the end.

Kate:

I was talking to Katie (the therapist at CLM) today, and she told me about one woman’s way of incentivizing her weight loss.  No matter what, Katie couldn’t get her to focus on the positive.  So whenever this woman doesn’t meet her goals, this is what she does:  she donates money to an organization she doesn’t agree with.

I think I’ll put money toward a great dress for my brother’s wedding instead.

Kate:

I wish I knew why I do it.  I am the queen of self-sabotage.

I’ve been losing weight, but I have not been very consistent with my food journal, exercising, or making good choices.  I had an appointment with Kirsten at CLM on Monday, and it went pretty well.  I’d lost 5 pounds since my appointment in November, which was especially good considering Thanksgiving.  Since that appointment, though, I’ve been on some sort of wreckless eat-a-thon.  I have a total disregard for what I’m eating.  I’ve stopped thinking before putting things in my mouth.

As part of my weight loss journey, I’ve come to ask myself, “Why do you want to eat?” when I want to eat outside of meal and snack times.  Often it’s because I’m bored or tired or unhappy or some emotion.  I only want to eat to keep from being hungry, not to soothe my feelings.

I try to make healthy choices when it comes to food and not overindulge.  I still allow for giving in to cravings so I don’t go crazy and eat a gallon of ice cream because I’ve kept myself from a single bite of it.  This change of lifestyle is not about deprivation, it’s about moderation.  I don’t know what’s changed in me.  Maybe it’s the weather, the lack of fulfilling employment, or something else.  I know I’ve said it before, but I need to find my motivation.  Or at least figure out why I’m getting in my own way.

Kirsten told me that the psychologist, Katie, is not coming back from her maternity leave.  I had a feeling this would happen.  She said that Katie really liked working with me, and Katie suggested another therapist with a similar style if I was interested.  I said I didn’t know if I was interested, and I’m still not sure, but maybe I need to go in order to iron some things out.  If I knew why I was floundering, I would fix it, but it’s apparently in my subconscious.  Perhaps a therapist could help me get to the bottom of things.  Even though I can’t pinpoint one thing I’ve taken away from therapy with Katie, I have to think it’s been helpful.  Sometimes I would just feel better after an appointment.

I think I just talked/blogged myself into scheduling an appointment when I get back from the holidays with my family.

Kate:

I have fallen off the wagon.  Temporarily, but fully off.  I don’t know what’s happened to me, but my resolve and motivation are missing.  These past four days I’ve had no filter when it comes to food.  I eat whatever I want in whatever amount I want.

I feel sick to my stomach.  I don’t know why I allow myself to remain out of control when it doesn’t make me feel good.  I met with Kirsten at CLM yesterday and thought a weigh-in would keep me focused, but it didn’t.  Kirsten asked me if there was anything scary about losing weight.  I told her I couldn’t think of anything.  Maybe it’s subconscious.  I’m approaching the 50 pound mark and about to go under 300 pounds.

However, I’ve lost about as much weight as I did the first time I tried this, and the timeline is about the same.  Six months and 45 pounds seems to be where I get hung up.  I need to get over the hump.  Every day I have time, I fully intend to go to the gym.  Something happens though and I talk myself out of it.  Same goes with eating well.

It starts now.  I want to succeed more than I did last time.  I’m sick of feeling like a failure at this.  I know I can do it.  I have done it.  I need to do it again.

Kate:

I’ve had a hard time with men lately.

My mother encouraged me to sign up with eHarmony.  I’d used it about five years ago with no result, but I decided to give it another try.  My biggest complaint with the site is its find-your-spouse slant.  I don’t think it’s healthy to go on a first date with an eye towards “Is this going to last forever?” because you’re putting too much pressure on yourself and your date.  Some of my friends think that I’m trying to find The One, but the truth is that I’m just trying to find someone to have a second date with.

I’ve done some internet dating over the years.  Mostly it happens every 18 months or so when I get frustrated with being single.  Then I go on dates, get frustrated with the guys I meet, and vow to never do it again.  I’ve been on 5 first dates and 0 second dates.  It sucks.

As a chunky girl, I worry about how my dates are going to react to my size, even if they’ve seen my picture.  I know there are men out there who like girls shaped like me, but then I get creeped out by the idea that they’re only dating me because I have wide hips and an extra-large chest.  I know all women have to worry about a guy only liking them for their looks, but I also have to worry about a guy liking me for the looks I hate the most.  I’m losing weight, so are they still going to be interested once I’ve gotten slimmer?

I went on a date a week and a half ago with a guy I thought was very cute.  I initiated the contact on eHarmony, which was a big step because normally I’d wait until some guy contacted me.  That way I could be sure they were really interested.  Anyway, we went out after way too much finagling and a last minute arrangement.  I thought the date went well.  He gave me a hug at the end and said we should talk online or over the phone.  He was going out of town, so I wasn’t worried about hearing from him right away.  Well, I still haven’t heard from him.

Why can’t people just say they’re not interested?  It’s so much easier because then I’m not sitting around wondering if I’m being unreasonable.  I keep thinking, “Maybe he’s just busy and I should give him time.”  With eHarmony he didn’t even need to respond personally.  He would have been mildly less of a jackass if he had just given me one of the site’s generic kiss-offs.  So, I told him so long.  It’s done.

And it was fine because there was another guy interested, more interested than the first.  This one pursued me.  We emailed about setting up a date this weekend.  The emailing started on Friday, which I wasn’t crazy about since my mother always told me that if you don’t have weekend plans with a guy by Wednesday that you shouldn’t make any.  Sure, it’s kind of like playing games, but it makes sense not to be too available in the beginning.  He didn’t respond at all on Saturday, and when I emailed to say, “You must be busy.  Maybe sometime later”, he suggested Monday night.  I said, “Okay.”  And yet again I haven’t heard from him.

Men.  I just don’t get them.  Maybe I think too much like a girl.  I never thought guys were very hard to figure out, but now I’m beginning to rethink that.

My eHarmony membership expires soon, and I think I’m going to let it go.  My second date will come along, and I really hope it doesn’t happen over the internet.

gertie:

Frankly, its been a week. One of those weeks.

After two weeks of pretty good eating and really good exercising, I have definitely snagged and now I’m stuck, starving and exhausted.

A scheduling change at work means I’m waking up SUPER early and dragging ass for the rest of the day. And frankly, when I’m tired everything else goes out the window. I turn into FrankenBitch and manage to stress over anything and everything.

Here are my goals to survive the last half of this awful week:

- Instead of just stressing about money, I’m going to take steps to actually put myself in control like eliminating extraneous expenses and selling off things I no longer need like old textbooks. It won’t make my debts go away, but maybe it’ll make me a little less despondent about them.

- Focus on eating 3 meals on a somewhat regular schedule for the next couple days. Normally, I’m not the biggest proponent of the traditional Breakfast/Lunch/Dinner set-up because my body is often sending me different signals.  BUT, sticking to that for a couple of days should give me enough structure to get past my desire to just stress-eat 24/7.

- Drink more. I know, i know, empty calories, alcohol is bad, blah, blah, blah BUT a drink or two with friends goes a long way to making me more human. I need that!